My butterfly flies

Friends of mine just texted me after they read my previous post (my so-not-kinda-23yo-woman'-post) 

"Ca...are you ok?" 

"Lo drama abis sih, Ca. Kata-katanya kaya dialog sinetron labil tau gak."

Smiled bitterly. I pretend to be okay. I told them that i could make everything goes so well, i feel so fine, nothing makes me swayed, and sure i'll move forward, run, and leave all behind. But huh, are you sure? Well actually i worry to myself too, i really sure that i'm not okey at all. Pathetic. I showed them that i'm okey but deeply in my heart wasn't going on that way. Those feeling of being safe and warm was replaced by a guilty feeling. Sad enough, is it?

But now, i'm in the middle of thinking about all of them. Let me make everything clear now. I know those kind of circumstance will happen to everyone life, including to my life. The circumstance of being dissapointed and so much regret after some of your worse experiences. Somehow in a melancholic thought, i blame myself for being an unconsistent person that i can't even hold this feeling out. But then, in the egde of my thought, i realize (after a long call duration and chatting with someone-i-believe including my mom) that what i've done just such a dumb, shallow in many ways. Yeah my life is too precious to think about him about love over over and over. 

As my bestfriend said, "Urusin hidupmu dulu sendiri lah," really slapped my face while i realized what kind of woman i would be if i still in this kind of super annoying feeling that i can't even bear for it. My friend was right. Forget about what' makes my life more complicated. Just focus to my self. I were alive before i met him, yes? 

Now i already know what i've to do. I let my butterfly flies and makes myself stop waiting so many things to be told for what and how. If something are meant to be that's going to find a way. I tried to, i try, and i'm trying to understand the situation, to understand myself better, and even to understand my butterfly. Knows that my butterfly is going to fly somewhere, it may never come back. But the things i know as well, if the butterfly really wants beside me, it will come back no matter what or... it changes with another butterfly who knows that there's something of mine that worth to have. 

Till someday, i able to feel the butterfly flies inside my tummy (again). How much? Million of it :)

 So let's move to another story, a brand new day, a new you and me!
Just got this super dialog anyway. Yes this is just feelings.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

1

Image
It's never been easy in the past year. The days are long. But then, today I feel like a year was so short!  You turning a year old is bittersweet. That sleepy little baby I had is long gone, replaced by the cutest, funniest little girl I know. I miss the little baby you once were, but I adore the wonderful little girl you are becoming now. Seeing you continuously growing, your milestones, it amazed me and I'm so thankful. I know we're all still works in progress, but when you've come so far—and grown so much—this year, and well I think that is incredible, and so worth struggling.  Soon you will be two, then three, and five and 10. And then, you'll be a teenager and an adult. Let us just keep growing together. Much as I want to hit pause and adore your smile, I am also eager to see the strong, wonderful, kind and loving human you will grow up to be. And to help you be all those things I promise that I'll help you, teach you and set you free to be you.  Happy birt
Read more

Jangan sombong, banyakin bersyukur

Di minggu libur karena mid-term break ini akhirnya bisa balik lagi ke blog untuk nulis unek-unek selama COVID19 mulai merebak di Indonesia. Semuanya berubah, work from home ( remote learning ), larangan mudik ke luar kota, larangan keluar rumah untuk hal-hal tidak urgent. Sedih? Banget.  Tapi disaat kaya sekarang ini akhirnya bisa semakin bersyukur dengan kehidupan sekarang. Kalau dipikir-pikir, kemarin-kemarin masih bisa bebas main keluar kosan, makan dimanapun, pergi-pergi kemanapun bebas aja, interaksi sama orang banyak. Things that we took for granted. Tapi gak pernah disyukuri. Dengan kondisi  social distancing kaya gini masih aja ngeluh-ngeluh karena sedih banget kan enggak bisa pulang, enggak bisa main, belum lagi online learning yang bikin jangar. Tapi mikir lagi alhamdulillah ya masih bisa dapat gaji (enggak telat, enggak berkurang, berkurang sih karena les off selama sebulan ini, gaji cuma dari sekolah aja. Tapi alhamdulillah masih sangat cukup). Kalaupun enggak bisa k
Read more

sahabat kakak

cerita ini berawal dari ketemu lagi sahabat-sahabat kakak. full team. A Ata, A Arya, dan A Rifki. geng heboh yang dari kakak SMP sering bikin rusuh rumah. sebenernya kalau boleh cerita dulu cuma A Arya dan A Ata aja yang temenan sama kakak dari SD, sama A Rifki sih mulai sahabatannya dari SMP. dari SMP itu mereka kemana-mana berempat. meskipun gak selalu satu kelas tapi kelas mereka selalu deketan jadi ya ujung-ujungnya main bareng lagi. terus pas SMA mereka satu sekolah lagi, kakak satu kelas sama A Rifki, A Ata sama A Arya. mereka sebangku berpasangan. gatau karena apa, mereka sahabatannya awet banget. dari SMP gak pernah pegat, selalu main bareng, cerita bareng, nginep bareng, sampe orangtua mereka saling kenal, sampe apal keluarganya, apal ulang tahunnya (aku aja apal ulangtahun 3 orang temen kakak itu saking seringnya kakak bikin acara untuk temen-temennya itu pas mereka pada ulang tahun). lebaran aja orang tua mereka saling tuker parsel (berasa sama besan haha). meskipun pas
Read more